When people imagine divorce, they often picture explosive arguments, dramatic ultimatums, or a sudden walkout.
But therapists say many relationships do not end with a bang. They fade quietly.
While overall divorce rates are declining, relationship experts warn that many separations begin long before the word “divorce” is ever spoken.
The early signs are often subtle: emotional distance, secrecy, and a noticeable shift in priorities that can be easy to explain away until it is too late.
According to Dr Michael Salas, a licensed professional counsellor–supervisor, the most dangerous stage of a relationship breakdown is often the silent one.
“By the time one partner brings up divorce, they’ve often been grieving the relationship privately for months, or even years,” says Dr Salas. “What looks calm on the surface is often emotional checkout underneath.”
Why some people plan divorce in secret
For the partner who feels blindsided, a divorce announcement can feel sudden and shocking. For the person leaving, it is usually the final step in a long internal process.
Therapists say secrecy often comes from a mix of fear and self-protection. Some people avoid conflict or emotional fallout. Others want time to prepare financially or legally.
In more serious situations, safety concerns can play a role. Many believe they have already tried everything and quietly accepted that the relationship will not change.
“To the partner being left, it feels sudden,” says Dr Salas. “But internally, the decision is usually the result of a long, quiet process.”
That quiet process often leaves clues.
Emotional withdrawal that goes beyond being busy
One of the earliest and clearest signs is emotional detachment, not simply talking less because life is hectic.
It may look like a partner who seems distant or disengaged during conversations, who no longer shares their worries, frustrations, or inner thoughts.
Time together starts to feel optional, while friends, work, or solo activities take priority.
“When someone stops bringing you their inner world, it’s often because they’ve decided, whether consciously or not, that it no longer feels safe or worth the effort,” Dr Salas explains.
Research consistently shows that emotional disengagement often comes before physical separation, and once that bond weakens, reconnecting becomes far more difficult.
When silence replaces conflict
Ironically, fewer arguments are not always a good sign.
Therapists say red flags include avoiding serious conversations altogether, keeping communication shallow and transactional, or shutting down disagreements quickly instead of working through them.
This pattern aligns with psychologist John Gottman’s research on relationship breakdown, particularly stonewalling and contempt, which are among his strongest predictors of divorce.
“When partners stop arguing, it’s often because they’ve stopped hoping things can change,” says Dr Salas.
A new level of secrecy
Another common shift is increased privacy that feels out of character.
This might include guarding their phone, changing passwords, giving vague explanations for where they have been, or showing unexplained changes in financial behaviour, such as secret accounts or sudden spending.
Some partners begin preparing emotionally, financially, or legally before saying anything out loud, often as a way to avoid confrontation or protect themselves.
The future disappears from conversation
One of the strongest indicators of commitment is the ability to imagine a future together. When that disappears, it is worth paying attention.
Warning signs include avoiding talk of holidays, vacations, or long-term plans, deflecting future conversations with jokes, or repeatedly saying things like “let’s just get through this month”.
Studies show that lack of commitment is cited by roughly three-quarters of divorced individuals as a major factor in the breakdown of their marriage, making future avoidance a serious signal.
Feeling more like roommates than partners
Many couples describe this phase as coexisting rather than connecting.
There may be little to no affection or intimacy, separate routines with minimal overlap, and emotional needs that are brushed off as a personal issue rather than something shared.
“When intimacy disappears without discussion or concern,” says Dr Salas, “it often reflects emotional resignation rather than a temporary dry spell.”
When contempt creeps In
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking, or talking down to a partner are more than bad habits. Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce.
This behaviour signals emotional distancing and a sense of moral superiority, which research links closely to relationship dissolution.
A sudden push toward independence
Self-improvement is healthy, but drastic changes paired with emotional distance can sometimes signal preparation for a new chapter.
This may look like a dramatic change in appearance, an intense focus on fitness, or reframing life around “me” instead of “we”.
On social media, relationship trend analysis from Virlo.ai shows self-worth-driven relationship content pulling millions of views per video.
The broader relationships niche generates billions of views overall, reflecting a cultural shift toward independence, boundary-setting, and exit readiness over compromise.
What to do if you notice the signs
Not every sign means divorce is inevitable, but patterns matter.
Dr Salas advises addressing emotional distance early rather than focusing only on surface behaviours.
Conversations should come from vulnerability, not accusation. Saying “I feel shut out” opens a door that “you do not care anymore” often slams shut.
Seeking professional help sooner rather than later can also make a significant difference. Therapy is most effective before resentment hardens and emotional withdrawal becomes permanent.
Pay close attention to contempt and shutdowns. These are not issues to wait out.
“The biggest regret I hear from couples isn’t that they tried therapy,” Dr Salas says. “It’s that they waited too long.”
Lifestyle
