Families are becoming estranged. Siblings are not talking to each other, and some have disowned their parents and children.
If the 20th Century is defined by something culturally, it seems to be family rifts with a growing trend of family splitting, especially those in the public eye.
There can be no bigger pain than being disowned or treated badly by a family member. It cuts to the core of who we are as human beings – we did not evolve to survive alone, and it can feel primal.
But why? For most of human history, being rejected by one’s family or tribe meant death. It meant loss of protection, food and belonging. Because of this, the brain treats family rejection not as “emotional discomfort” but as an existential threat.
Behavioural counsellors say that when family withdraws love or acceptance, it doesn’t just feel like conflict, it feels like a threat to who we are and whether we deserve to exist as ourselves.
In the modern world, where individuals change faster than families can adapt, this ancient wound is being triggered more often and more visibly.
These break-ups are often intense and are filled with so much drama that it is shocking to witness.
The Beckham family feud
Just recently, we learned that the Beckhams’ family feud is getting so intense that even lawyers are now involved.
According to multiple online reports, Brooklyn Beckham instructed his parents to only contact him through lawyers.
Furthermore, he reportedly also shared that he does not want Victoria or David to make statements about him on social media or even contact him.
This comes after it was revealed that the 24-year-old chef unfollowed his parents and siblings on social media.
Thereafter, Cruz, his little brother, took to Instagram and shared that Brooklyn actually blocked the entire family on Instagram, and they were all shocked when that happened.
He wrote on his Instagram Stories: “My mum and dad would never unfollow their son… Let’s get the facts right. They woke up blocked… as did I.”
Adding to the Instagram drama, we learned that Brooklyn’s wife, Nicola Peltz-Beckham, removed everything related to the Beckhams on Instagram.
“Independent Media Lifestyle” got in touch with Dr Keitumetse Mashego, a clinical and sports psychologist, who offered insights as to why we are seeing an increase in either family splits or feuds and what might be the trigger behind it.
What is family estrangement?
“Sadly, there is more family estrangement in the current era, and generally, there is a shift towards calling out bad or toxic behaviours even in family members,” says Mashego
“People are now intolerant of abuse, toxicity or bullying even from their families, choosing to protect themselves and their peace.”
When asked why we are often seeing younger generations cut off their families, she shared that this is because the youth of today are more vocal and aware of their feelings, hence they do not tolerate any disrespect or stress caused by family members or anyone, for that matter.
Mashego further gave insights into why parent-child fall-outs occur.
“There are many scenarios that could lead to a breakdown in a parent-child relationship. Typically, the two parties are in constant conflict or disagreement.
The tragedy
“For the child, typically we see they feel unheard, unseen, conditionally loved, silenced, unloved, unfair treatment with siblings, not feeling protected or feeling controlled. There could also be abuse of some sort.
“For the parent, typically there is usually a feeling of disrespect or losing control over their child’s life when they do not adhere to their rules or make choices they do not approve of,” she revealed.
Mashego further added that since there is a drastic change in cultures and people are no longer hesitant to prioritise their mental health, even if it means cutting family ties.
“Cultures are changing and evolving. It’s no longer acceptable to hide unhealthy dynamics or sweep things under the rug.
“Mental health is becoming a priority in this era, and in some people’s lives, this often implies setting boundaries or cutting off family members completely as they accept that the members will never change.
“Social media also has normalised how some family members can be toxic and how cutting them off is sometimes for the best,” she said.
Boundaries
In the context of the Beckhams, Brooklyn told his parents to contact him through lawyers, which might be perceived as him doing too much, but what if that is his way of setting a boundary?
Mashego shared why boundaries are important, even though they can come with a lot of guilt.
“Boundaries are essential but not often easy to put up, especially if one has not had them before or they need to put them up for people close to them.
“The guilt is usually something the person putting up boundaries needs to work on, and it is exacerbated by the resistance from the people seeing the boundaries.
“Like a new habit, putting boundaries needs consistency and for one to continually remember why they are putting them up and to work through the guilt,” she said.
In addition, Mashego was asked if there is a possibility of reconciliation, is it always the best or healthiest option between estranged family members, or is distance sometimes the best solution?
The future
“Reconciliation is possible provided everyone is genuinely on board, willing to change and take accountability. Sadly, it’s not always the case in families.
“Therefore, choosing your own sanity and mental health often means keeping a distance. The only person we can change is ourselves. If you, as a person, have done all you can to get intervention or find solutions, you cannot force the other people to be on board.
“Therefore, as a person, they need to do the internal work (with a professional if need be) to grieve the family they don’t have, process the pain and accept that things won’t change.”
She also said that we need to learn how to see people for their capacity, not for their potential or our expectations.
